help a computer
Computer novices may feel like they’re alone these days, but some of the following calls to IBM’s help center show there are plenty of people out there who still are inching onto the information superhighway. After a caller gave a technician her PC’s serial number, he scanned a database of registered users and responded, “I see you have an Aptiva” desktop unit. Before he could say another word, the caller shrieked and said she’d be right back. When the customer returned, the technician asked if she was all right. The caller responded: “Had I realized you could see me, I never would have telephoned in my bathrobe.” A customer who had just received a laptop computer asked about the power-saving feature known as “hibernate.” Would this hibernate device work in the spring and summer, the caller asked.
Another caller explained she had received a gift of software on 5.25-inch diskettes, but she had only a 3.5-inch disk drive on her computer. The technician said she had two options: Get a second disk drive, or use 3.5-inch diskettes. The customer called back later, now complaining that her disk drive was making a terrible noise. And this despite the fact that she was using a 3.5-inch diskette, she said. After a bunch of questions, the technician determined the caller had used a pair of scissors to trim the 5.25-inch diskettes to fit the 3.5-inch drive.
A caller, perplexed that his new desktop computer – the one that was supposed to do everything short of bringing on world peace – was doing nothing, cried out for help. No problem, the IBM technician said. First, open a “window” to launch a specific program. The conversation continued, and the caller asked a few moments later if it might be all right to close the window. Why, the IBM technician asked. Because, the caller responded, it was getting very chilly.
error massage
Microsoft is trying to add some humor to its error messages in Windows 2000 and up. Here are a couple of examples: * Printer not responding; Got a pen and paper handy?
* 3 things are certain in life: Taxes, death, and data loss.
Guess which has occured?
10 ways you know you are a Geek
10. When filling out your driver’s license application you give your IP address. 9. You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign is, instead your line is “Hi, what’s your URL?”
8. Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail.
7. You’re amazed to find out spam is a food.
6. You “ping” people to see if they’re awake, “finger” them to find out how they are, and “AYT” them to make sure they’re listening to you.
5. You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every silly free T-shirt contest.
4. You introduce your wife as “my lady@home.wife” and refer to your children as “client applications”.
3. At social functions you introduce your husband as “my domain server”.
2. After winning the office super bowl pool you blurt out, “I feel so colon-right parentheses!”
And the number one sign you are an Internet Geek:
1. Two Words: “Pizza’s Here!”
New Rooster Versus Old Rooster
There is this old rooster on a farm. One day the farmer said that he needs a younger rooster. So he buys one. He brings it back to the farm. The old rooster says, “I bet I can race you around the barn 3 times and win”. Then the younger rooster says “your on”. Then when they start the race, the old rooster jumps ahead, the younger rooster is right behind him. One lap, two laps, 2 and a half laps then BANG the young rooster is blown to smithereenes!!! The farmer was on his porch with his shot gun. Then the farmer says, “THATS THE 2ND FUCKIN GAY ROOSTER I HAVE HAD THIS WEEK.”
chicken jokes 2
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken, with a satisfied smile on it’s face, is leaning up against the headboard smoking a ciggy.
The egg, looking pissed off, grabs the sheets, rolls over, and says “Well I guess we just answered THAT question!”
- Submitted by Kirrily.
A chicken goes into a library and says, “Bok,” so the librarian gives it a book. Ten minutes later the same chicken comes in again and says, “Bok bok.” The librarian gives the chicken two books, but being a bit curious, follows the chicken down the road where the chicken meets a frog. The frog says to the chicken, “Redit, redit!”
chicken jokes 1
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get to the other side Q: Why did the rooster cross the road ?
A: To cockadoodle dooo something
Q: Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?
A: He heard the referee calling fowls
Q: Why did the turkey cross the road?
A: To prove he wasn’t chicken
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road, roll in the mud and cross the road again?
A: Because he was a dirty double-crosser
Q: Why didn’t the chicken skeleton cross the road?
A: Because he didn’t have enough guts
Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground?
A: To get to the other slide
Q: Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
A: Because chickens hadn’t evolved yet
Q: Why did the turtle cross the road?
A: To get to the shell station
Q: Why did the horse cross the road?
A: Because the chicken needed a day off
Q: What do you get from a drunk chicken?
A: Scotch eggs!
Rabit Revival
A man was driving along one day and he hit a rabbit. Feeling terrible he stopped and got out of the car to see if it was badly hurt. To his dismay, the rabbit was dead. Unsure what to do, the man runs to the nearest building, which happens to be a salon. He says to the hairdresser, “I’ve just hit and killed a rabbit in the middle of the road! What should I do?” The hairstylist thinks a moment, then says “I think I have just the thing.” He grabs a few bottles from a shelf and runs out to the rabbit. Opening the bottles, he poured the contents onto the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit jumps up, shakes itself, looks around, then hops of. It went a few feet, then turned and waved, went a few more feet, then turned and waved again. This odd behavior continued untill the rabbit was out of sight. The man looked and the Hairdresser in amazement and says, “Wow! What did you do?” “Oh,” the stylist responded, ” I gave it a hair revitilisant with a wave!”
Energizer Bunny
AP December 12, 1999 – The Energizer Bunny, known best for, “going and going and going…” passed away last evening at 12:42am. Upon completion of the autopsy early this morning, the chief medical examiner ruled that the death was caused by acute cardiac arrest, induced by sexual over-stimulation.
Apparently, someone put the battery in backwards and the bunny kept coming and coming and coming,…
Foul play has not been ruled out.
Dog and Baseball
During the local match, a spectator was surprised to see a dog walk onto the pitch and start pitching, eventually striking out the other all star team, and scoring two home runs. ‘That’s incredible!’ he exclaimed to the man next to him.
‘Yes,’ he said, ‘but he’s a terrible disappointment to his parents. They wanted him to be a footballer.’
smart dog
A dog walks into a butcher shop with a purse strapped around his neck. He walks up to the meat case and calmly sits there until it’s his turn to be helped. A man, who was already in the butcher shop, finished his purchase and noticed the dog. The butcher leaned over the counter and asked the dog what it wanted today. The dog put its paw on the glass case in front of the ground beef, and the butcher said, “How many pounds?” The dog barked twice, so the butcher made a package of two pounds ground beef.
He then said, “Anything else?”
The dog pointed to the pork chops, and the butcher said, “How many?”
The dog barked four times, and the butcher made up a package of four pork chops.
The dog then walked around behind the counter, so the butcher could get at the purse. The butcher took out the appropriate amount of money and tied two packages of meat around the dog’s neck. The man, who had been watching all of this, decided to follow the dog. It walked for several blocks and then walked up to a house and began to scratch at the door to be let in. As the owner opened the door, the man said to the owner, “That’s a really smart dog you have there.”
The owner said, “He’s not really all that smart. This is the second time this week he forgot his key.”
