fairtale

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle. The frog hopped into the princesses lap and said: “Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am, and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in yon castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.”

That night, the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sautéed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and shallot cream sauce.

rules

If Men Were to Rewrite “The Rules” Rule # 1
Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.

Rule # 2
If you don’t want to dress like Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.

Rule # 3
If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.

Rule # 4
It is in neither your best interest or ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.

Rule # 5
Let us ogle. If we don’t look at other women how can we know how pretty you are?

Rule # 6
Don’t rub the lamp if you don’t want the genie to come out.

Rule # 7
You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done – not both.

Rule # 8
Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials or time-outs.

Rule # 9
Christopher Columbus didn’t need directions and neither do we.

Rule # 10
When we’re turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off ramp, you saying “This is our exit” is not necessary.

good or bad news

God was talking to Adam and asked Adam which he wanted first, the good news or the bad news. Adam chose the good news.

God told him he had made something for him: it would never wear out, it was warm and slick, it felt good, and would give a tremendous amount of pleasure in his lifetime.

Adam said that is great and asked what could possibly be the bad news.

God said that he put a woman in charge of it.

Adam and Eve

Adam and eve were in the Garden of Eden, and Eve had not been there long and Adam was trying to get a grasp on the female thing, so he asked God if they could have a talk. God replied, sure your my son and I love you can ask me anything. So Adam asked, God you have given me the beautiful flowers and the sunset….But I look at Eve and she is so beautiful it takes my breath away… Why God, did you make eve so beautiful? God replied, my son that is easy, I made her that way so you would love her, Adam replied well, it worked but I have another question… I touch the cool water and rub the furry animals and they feel so good to me but I touch Eve and it is so wonderful my heart almost stops… God, why did you make her that way?

God replied well Adam that is easy I made her that way so you’d love her…well Adam replied, it worked, I do, but God I have one more question and I don’t mean to question your wisdom or anything, but God she is stupid, why did you make her stupid? God replied my son that is easy I made her that way so she would love you.

which one is right

There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spends it. The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, “I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much.”

The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, “I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much.”

The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, “I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much.”

The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money, and decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts.

cheap husband

After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift. “How about some perfume?” he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a $50.00 bottle. “That’s a bit much,” said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00. “That’s still quite a bit,” Tim complained.

Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle. “What I mean,” said Tim, “is I’d like to see something really cheap.”

The clerk handed him a mirror.

18′th

A 54 year old mathmetician left his wife a note that said, “When you get this message, I’ll be at the Grand Hotel with my 18 year old secretary.” The wife faxed him at the hotel with the following message, “When you get this your 54 year old wife will be at home with an 18 year old boy toy. Being a mathmetician you know that 18 will go into 54 a whole lot more than 54 will go into 18.”

pack your bags

This guy bursts into his house and shouts, “Pack your bags, Honey, I just won the lottery!” She says, “That’s wonderful! Should I pack for the beach or for the mountains?”

He replies, “I don’t care-just get the hell out!”